Why are people so cold hearted

I was scared that it would come to this. Every morning and every night Chance would pray for Tori to come home safe to her family. He would ask me to check the internet to see if Tori was home yet. Now, what do I tell him? Do I tell him that these monsters killed a sweet little girl? Do I just leave it as "they found Tori and they are bringing her home"? Where in that sense I am not lying to him. They are bringing her home to her mom and dad, just not the way ANY of us wanted. Do I tell him that she died, but not expand on what happened? Do I tell him that these people hurt her? He's tramuzied enough knowing that someone took her - now someone please tell me how to tell my 5 year old, very sensitive little boy, what happened to sweet Tori. I don't know what to do!
e-mails, comments, anything would be appricated!

my baby turned one

Something happened between these two photo's. Can you spot it? In the picture above is my last day that I had a baby. I put my baby to bed and I woke up with a.....

One year old toddler. My birthday girl! She had such a great birthday party. Many people came over. It was such a fun day. This picture above is my favourite picture!

We started out our day with a phone call to Portugal so her birthmom M. could wish her baby girl a happy birthday. It was emotional for her, and myself. She tried it best to hold it together. And maybe, just maybe, if Terra realized I was calling Portugal she wouldn't have hung up the phone 3 TIMES!!!

This is the birthday cake that I made. The little pink Bear was Terra's cake that she got to eat. And since Joe and Manny's birthday is only two weeks later the each had two balloons that were their cake. We celebrated the 3 birthdays together.

Terra wasn't quite sure what to do with her cake when I first gave it to her. She just touched it for a little bit until I broke a piece off and put it in her mouth. Them she realized it was food.

And she ate it in no time! And of course she made a big cake mess, but that's what babies too! What I always too is take a picture of them the night before because it is going to be their last time they will ever be that age. My last pictures of my baby. :)

Our baby girl is no more

Let me explain before I show this next picture. Everyone has a picture of their screaming baby right? And we just think it is so cute? Well I have one too that I just took. Terra does not have sensory issues. Loves to crawl on the grass, play with it in her fingers. We were having a fire in our backyard and we were getting her ready for bed and giving her some fresh air time just sitting on my lap in the great outdoors. I thought I would get a picture of her and I went to stand her the grass
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FREAKED!

She started screaming. I already had the camera ready because I wanted one of her standing so I already knew I had to be quick. So she was literally touching the grass for a total of 5 seconds before I picked her up. I'm not sure why she freaked out. but I know I won't be doing that again.

You may be wondering why I am posting this picture? Well two reasons, she is in her BIRTHday suit, and today I have to say good bye to my baby girl forever! Tomorrow when I wake her up in her crib I will be waking up my TODDLER! YIKES! In just 9 short hours I will lose my baby and I am not quite ready for that.

As much as I am going to miss my baby girl, I look forward to the year with my new toddler and exploring all the things she wants to explore.

when it rains, it pours PART 2

EDITED
Let's start with the postive! We went and signed the finalization papers for Terra today! So now they send it to the ministery for final approval and then off to the courts. I am so hapy.

Remember this post ? We have ordered a new window for our living room, we went to have our windshield looked at, and were told it all has to be replaced, they can't just repair it.

And my back? Well just when I was finally starting to feel better, and maybe looking at going back to work on Thursday, something has to go wrong.

First of all the the hour long drive to the aganecy, then the hour long drive home and the hour and half we were there was just a killer on my back. And I was already hurting as is.

THEN I was carrying Terra on the stairs (and she decided to make a run crawl for it and decided to climb all the way up the stairs all by herself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I fell trying to get us back to the bottom. And since I needed both hands go to protect her I had nothing to break my fall and guess what? Landed right on my BACK! The pain and burning is something else. So I guess it looks like I won't be going back to work this week after all. As much as I enjoy being home with the kids (when I am actually able to do things with them). I do have bills to pay! ACK!

Mother's day part1

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS!

Do we not have the cutest shirts ever? Joe and Manny says "mom's little prince". Chance says "I love mom" in a heart that he has had for 3 years and is WAY TOO SMALL. However, he is not able to part with it b/c it's his favorite shirt. He'll even wear it under his sweatshirt in the winter and will always tell me that he is wearing his "special mom shirt". Terra says "I love mommy" and has a heart shape button in the heart.

Sorry guys - but you are in for 4 posts in a row! :)

I feel so blessed to be able to celebrate Mother's Day. I have 4 wonderful children whom I love dearly. I am happy to be a mom, it's something I always wanted to be every since I was a little girl. Yes, some days are a challenge, some days are rewarding, and somedays, I wonder WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! But at the end of the day, as I check on each of my 4 children after they are asleep I feel such a pride and love for them that I wouldn't trade for anything. (that is when they are sleeping of course. lol)

I woke up and had my favourite dessert (APPLE CRISP) for BREAKFAST! What a treat. We went to church and had an amazing sermon. Came home, had a nap. The kids all planted me flowers at school and preschool for mothers day. So I can't wait for them to grow. And "them" I'm not sure if I am talking about the flowers or my children. Both are amazing things to watch. Although, sometimes I just wish they (my kids) would just slow down a little bit. Andrew made a wonderful dinner (even if it didn't turn out perfect, it was still good). And then the boys all had a part in making cinnamon buns for dessert. It was a perfect day.

Today, I also say a prayer for all of my friends that I have made who are experiences infertility and spend this mother days with empty arms. I've been there. Today is not a good day for them. But my prayers are there!

Mother's day part2

My mom - where do I start? She has been my rock since the day I was born. She stayed home with us and made sure we had everything we could possibly need. I only found out about 2 years ago, that my mom work nights when I was I little (before I started school). She would leave the house after I was in bed, and would be home when I woke and be home with me all day. She tried going to work, but I cried all day at the sitters that she quit her job and got a night job instead. When there wasn't enough food on the table, she did not eat, but we did. She would sit at the table and enjoy the meal (that she did not eat) in order for us to have a good meal. She made a million sacafices for me to go to University and supported me through out. When I wanted to drop out and come home (the day of 9-11) becuase I was scared, she would not let me. I was in my last year and she would not let me come home (although she wanted me home just as much as I wanted to be home). She is always a phone call away and does not think twice about driving an hour and half to come and visit us and spend time with us as a family. (Heck - they even drove 4 hours ONE WAY to North Bay to spend two hours with me for dinner, before turning around and driving 4 hours back home because they missed me).

I know, whatever life throws at me, she will be standing there right beside me supporting and loving me. And she lets me make my mistakes, and then right there to help me correct it.

Thanks Mom

P.S. the uploading pictures isn't working. but I do have pics of her with Chance too!

Mother's day part3

My third post is dedicated to my Mother in Law.

When times have been tough she would come over in an instant and just help us out around the house as needed. She cleans every nook and cranny there is in our house that we just do not have time and/or energy to do. Just this past week when she was up and we left we are sure she used polish to clean our sink stopper. It's just soo shiney! And we love her for that. She loves to bake and cook with the kids, make cookies and decorate them. She reads them books with a lot of animation and is quick to get down on the floor and play and do puzzles or sit at the table and play board games with them. Whenever we are in town and do not want to make the drive home, we have been known to just sleep over there, where they have converted a room in the basement for us (well not just us, but heck we use it 99% of the time!). We have a queen size bed, 2 matteresses for the kids, and a playpen that stays set up to use when we need to. When the roads have been to bad, or I am too tired I will stay there after my night shift. It's great.

This has been a trying last few weeks with my back being out, and I am not able to do ANYTHING. Andrew has to run around like a chicken with his head cut off, driving me to doctor's, physio, preschool and all the other day to day stff he has to with being home all day. Which he loves doing, but I am like a 5th child added to the mix. So last week Grandma came to visit and of course cook all the meals and clean (polish) up the house, sleep over b/c she's been working late, then up at 7am to do some more tidying while we are all asleep in our beds. On her way out, making plans to come up the next week to help us out again. All while not making us feel guilty. She is much appriacated. And one of her tasks when she was hear to clean through our tupperware drawer, which is always a mess. Everything gets thrown in. You lose lids, you lose containers. You have stuff you don't use anymore. And I know, Grandma won't be mad when looking into those brown eyes who the very next day did..
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Now would you Grandma?

Mother's day part4

Well my forth and final post regarding Mother's day has to go towards two woman who will always be in my thoughts, prayers and every day thinking. My children's birth mom. After all, I would not be able to call myself a mom if these two woman did not conceive, carry and love thier babies. But that is not why I am writing about them. I DO NOT think their purpose in life was to make me a mother. To conceive children to be taken away and given to someone else. I would never wish that upon ANYONE. I believe that all children should be with their birth parents (only with the exception of abuse, negelct and drug and alcohol abuse). They are woman who today is probably hurting over their children. A day where mothers are celebrated and rejoiced, but yet, two woman are not. I honor them, I pray for them. And I wish I could give them both a great big hug. I send them mother day e-cards. Just because they do not have their children, they are always going to be mothers. My children will always be thier children.









To me, Mother's day will always be a bittersweet day. I can not just go on and pretend that they are mine, and only mine. Every day they are my children, and I do think about thier birthmom's on a regular basis. It's just today (and thier birthdays) when I think about them more. I hurt for them. I say a couple extra prayers for them today. And I make sure my children know what makes a mother. Both biologically and in my heart.





I wish I had a picture of Terra with her birthmom as well. This picture was done before Joe's eye surgury, and with his buzz head they look NOTHING a like.

Jump Rope for heart

Well Chance is going to be participating in Jump Rope for heart this year. They have made things easier and you are now able to donate online. And you get your tax receipt instantly. If you are interested you can Click here and it will direct you to his web site.

Thank You

Chance

Things I miss

I'm sure every parent says this, but man, kids grow WAY TO FAST! We are approaching Terra's first birthday next week. And for me, I have some mixed emotions. Of course I am happy, and look forward to her party and all the new things I get to explore with her as we start this new journey with a TODDLER. However, I feel like I have missed out on so much. The first 5 and half months she was raised by someone else. I feel like the first year you start out a cute little newborn, up every few hours feed them, back to sleep. You get to watch them lift their heads, roll over and take their first crawl. I missed out on all of that, and I will never be able to experience those things. I also know first hand how many other first you get to experience, and with time you start "forget" about the missed "things" and look forward to all the other new things. Chance came to us at 13 months, a walking, talking, running climbing completely solid active little boy. (gee, can I fit any more adjectives in there?) I remember thinking how many things I missed out with him. However, to think back on everything else that I have been a part of, the first 13 months that I missed is no longer important. How many other firsts have I experienced? Probably up in the thousands by now. From first sentences, to writing "mom", to first bike riding, to first day of school, first school concerts, so many other things. Joe and Manny came a few weeks before thier 2nd birthday, so again so many things missed. But today, I find myself thinking of things I've missed with Terra. Even with her, how many firsts have I had with her? lots, her first words, her first cereal, her first foods, her first tooth,her first time standing, her first steps. I have been a part of more firsts with then, then with what I've missed.

There are so many things to look forward too, but it times like their where I am bothered infertility, I am bothered by the fact that I am not able to conceive and bear a child, that is MINE right the start, that I don't have to go to court to make them officially mine, where I don't have workers coming to my house and scrutinizing the way we raise them, having someone else make the decision on weather we are allowed to become their forever parents. Currently we are on a 6 month probation with Terra. (which is up on MOTHER'S DAY). But at any point during the 6 months we can have a worker come in and say we have too much to handle, that 4 kids are too much. That they don't think we are competent enough to raise her, and just like that (with no evidence of abuse or neglect needed) take her from us. On Monday we go back to the agency where will sign the finalization papers for her. That our 6 months is up and we've "proved" ourselves to them and we can finally move forward with her adoption. The agency will then send our paper work the ministry who then has to approve us. Once that is done they will then send our paper work to the court and we get a court date. So we are almost there. But these 6 months that Terra has been with us has flown by so quickly, and I am so blessed to have her in our lives and I am so happy to have this part of our lives behind us soon. And I know I will get over all the "missed" things, but I know there are so many things to experience. Just like with my other 3 kids.



This pictures was taken almost 6 months ago, when Terra first came to us. And in case you are wondering what the white bandage is. She 4 days before she came to us she received 2nd degree burns on the whole top of hand, all the way up to her elbow.

anniversary

Wow - 7 years ago today, just barley 21 years old I was down the aisle to my waiting husband to be. That day, also marked our 6 year dating anniversary as well, as we started dating back when I was just 15 years old.



It's been a crazy 7 years in which we've seen grandparents die, 3 moves, with our final to our house in the country. We've experienced infertility, and many months upon months of disappointment. We've added 4 cats, 2 turtles and a rabbit. We've had 13 children with whom we've held close to our hearts, come through our front door. We've had 3 children legally became our forever children. Just one more to go in the next 2 months! We've bought a house, we bought a car, we (ahem *I*) rolled (and totalled) said car. Bought a van and filled with children. Too bad, we can't fit just ONE MORE car seat in there. lol. We've had our hearts broken, and our filled to the rim with happiness. We've done things for each other that you would only do if you truly loved someone. We've had our ups, and we've had our downs, but here we are years later and still in love.



My Husband Andrew, I can honestly say, is my better half! We've been together for 13 years and no one knows me better then he does. He is an amazing husband, and most important, an amazing father. This past week, I've spent most of it in bed, not being able to do a darn thing. I can't hold my baby, I can't go for bike rides with my sons, I can't wait him a special anniversary dinner, I can't even dress myself! But you will not hear him complain about having to drive me an hour to a doctor's appointment, then wait, then wait some more while I go next door for x-rays, then drive me across town to wait again while I get a new health card. Then an hour home where I stop at physio first to make an appointment, then he runs to Zehrs to get my prescription wait the 20 minutes for that, drive up home. Get Chance off the bus, take the kids to pick the boys up from preschool come home, make dinner, brush kids teeth and put them all to bed.



I've been to physio twice now, and then 3 times next week. Since I can't drive b/c of the medication (and too much pain) he has not once complained about having to drive the 20 minutes there, WAIT an hour, then drive back home. Sometimes doing so with 4 kids, Friday he had 3, and we made them all have naps in the car b/c the only appointment was during nap time.



He hasn't complained that even though I've been home, I've been stuck in bed, or downstairs for short period of times. I'm sure he is itching for me to come and help and save him. The most I can do is read books to the kids up in bed. Which he likes the break, although sometimes he needs the break from Terra, whom I cannot help with.



I was trying to clean on Sunday, becuase we have company comming today, but he just shooed me away and wouldn't let me clean. It's hard being so useless, but he dose not make me feel soo.



I Love You Andrew and thank you for 7 years!

I've been tagges

I've been tagged...

Now you'll have to read more about me than you probably care to know : )

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:
Back to stop hurting

Planning Joe, Manny and Terra's birthday party

Summer vacation

Our camping trip

Terra's adoption to be finalized

a new job

taking the kids to the beach

Did I say for my back to stop hurting?

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

Took Joe and Manny to Preschool

Went to the doctor

Had x-rays done

went to Ministry of Health for new health card

went to physio

went to bed

got up to eat

went back to bed

8 Things I wish I could Do:

become pregnant

walk in no pain

not work

get a part time job b/c I can't be home full time without going crazy. :)

Go on a nice vacation

have a clean house, all the time

get all the Reno's done around the house - it never ends

go back in time

8 Shows I watch:

American/Canadian idol

survivor

fringe

48 hours

Jon and Kate plus 8

Intervention

CSI

And any other show on TLC really

8 Favorite Fruits:

Pineapple

granny smith apple

banana

strawberries

kiwi

clementines

cantaloupe

watermelon

8 Places I like to Travel:

Australia

Italy

Las Vegas

Portugal

Alaska

Every province in Canada

Scotland

England

8 Place I've Lived:

Hamilton

Guelph

Cambridge

North Bay

Kitchener

and this little Etty "town of 64 houses" that I call home