My little girlS

I've had this post written for the last few days but I didn't want to post it because I didn't want to overshadow all the positive things that have been happening (court date in 2 days, Terra's one year anniversary). So I figure I'll go ahead and post it now.

Growing up I always wanted a little girl. I never wanted boys, boys were boring, dirty and way too active. I wanted a sweet little girly girl that I could dress up, play dolls, cook meals in her little play kitchen. I could do her hair in neat ways. I wanted to paint her nails. I wanted a GIRL! Our third foster placement was a little girl Skylar and I just fell in love with her. She was meant to be MY girl. The workers agreed and we started to finalize our placement and the ball started rolling to make her our forever daughter.

Then our world crumbled when 2 months later the judge went AGAINST children's aid and returned her home. I was devastated. After that, I no longer wanted a girl. Andrew continued to talk about one day having his little girl. I would just huff and say I was ok with boys. All I could think about was I HAD my girl, and then she was gone. I didn't want anyone to replace her in my heart. My dreams of having a little girl were gone, just like that. I just could not get into that mind frame again about having a sweet little girl.

Along came Terra. Of course Andrew was over the moon, he FINALLY got his girl. Man, did he ever want a girl. lol. I on the other hand was apprehensive about it. For the first 6 months that Terra was with us it didn't faze me much, nor did my strong desire to be a mom to a girl ever came back to me. I was always comparing Terra to Skylar. Skylar came at 6 months and Terra came a week before 6 months. Terra's milestones would bring me back to Skylar. Going through the clothes that Skylar used to wear I was now putting them on Terra. Emotionally I had a hard time with that. All the things that Terra started doing, reminded me of Skylar. I remember when Terra's firth took poked in I was happy, but then I was sad remembering Skylar first tooth.

However, about 7 months after Terra joined our family some of those feelings started coming back. slowly. Watching Terra go through this stage has brought up a lot of grief for Skylar once again. There are still times when I stop and think about Skylar. I TRY to remember her (however, it's getting very blurry now. :( )But now, I HAVE MY GIRL. The girl that meant to be mine. I was meant to be a mommy to a little girl. I love dressing her up, I love doing her hair, I've painted her finger nails, we play dolls, we play dress up. We pretend to make food. Now my desire is back. I have my little girl that I have dreamed about for so long. The little girl that has been with me since *I* was a little girl. The little girl (not her, just the mentioned of a girl) that once turned my stomach when Andrew would talk about his little girl that he would one day have.

Skylar Nov 2005
Terra Nov 2009

In case you are wondering where this post is coming up. And why this is a few days old. On Wednesday, (the day we celebrated Terra's one year anniversary) Terra was 5 days away from turning 18 months. The day Skylar left us, she was 5 days away from turning 18 months. To me, that was hard. To look at her, and remember that at this exact age I had say goodbye to my first little girl. When I stopped and cried a little bit for Skylar I picked up my little girl and said an extra prayer for her, and held Terra just a little bit closer. Thanked God for changing my heart and bringing me my little girl that I didn't think I wanted/needed anymore. I'm glad *I* was wrong.

Now, we move forward. Our memories will grow. And I LOVE my little girl with everything in me. My sweet little girl.